It is not a rare thing that as wealthy aging parents decline, some relatives seem to come out of the woodwork. They may not have spoken to Mom or Dad in years. But suddenly, they are so interested. They’ve learned one way or another that the parent is “losing it” and they see an opportunity. They’re after money. When an aging loved one has cognitive impairment, even in the early stages, they can be manipulated.
Favorite Tactics of the Greedy Relatives
We see a pattern in these cases. First the son, daughter, grandchild or other family begins to show inordinate interest in their elder out of the blue. This is a departure from an established habit. They’ve totally ignored the elder for a long time. Now they call frequently with what appears to be feigned interest. They visit. They praise the elder. Most aging folks need and respond to this new personal attention, as their age has been limiting their social activities one way or another. Now they are getting all this constant flattery and contact. It feels good. They respond positively. The groundwork is in place. Now the predatory manipulation begins.
Sowing Doubt
The greedy one (GO) starts to badmouth the closest person to the elder, often the one who is providing personal care or close management of finances. That person, the nearby primary caregiver (PC), has been attending to the aging parent’s bills, home care, medical needs and the like, sometimes over a period of years. GO tells the elder that the primary caregiver is up to no good. They suggest or directly say that the PC is out to get the aging parent’s money, which is typically completely false. Those who are in cognitive decline are often starting to have suspicions about the world anyway. They may have fears of being taken out and placed in a senior home, a common anxiety-producing thought. The GO seizes on their fears and paranoias and exploits them. They contact the elder repeatedly with this message—the PC is out to get you. They’re going to throw you out and put you in a home. The elder starts to believe it.
The Danger
When an elder has appointed the PC to be in charge via their legal documents, the GO wants to get the elder to change them in favor of themselves. It can work, when the GO takes the elder to an attorney and the attorney has no idea what prompted the requested change. Lawyers are ethically obligated to inquire why any older person suddenly wants to change their long standing documents, such as power of attorney and/or trust, but some are focused only on getting paid and they do not inquire. In other cases, the elder is convinced that the previously appointed, trusted PC really is out to get their money and they repeat the false story they’ve been fed. The lawyer may go right ahead and change the documents. This gives the GO immediate access
to the aging parent’s funds.
The Effect
With newly acquired legal authority, the GO can immediately drain the elder’s bank accounts. Sometimes they do just that and then quickly disappear. The PC has to anticipate this and take legal action to protect the elder before legal documents get changed. But, most people are not sure of what to do or how to stop the insidious manipulation process. It hurts when the PC has devoted months or years to caregiving or honest financial management and their aging parent abruptly starts to accuse them of bad motives. The irony is that the GO is doing the very thing they accuse the faithful PC of doing.
In one real case we saw at AgingParents.com, where the son was living with and caring for his mom for over two decades, she abruptly started to accuse her son of being a drug addict and stealing her alcohol. Both were false accusations, as the son was a hard working person, fully dedicated to her. His siblings had begun to undermine mom’s trust and manipulate her into believing them, hoping she would change her inheritance plans. This was all motivated by the siblings who had learned that in the mom’s long established will and trust, she was going to give her house to her son and not to them. Never mind that he had devoted his life to her care and safety for over 20 years. Now the siblings were trying to convince Mom that he was a bad guy and he didn’t deserve the house.
The Legal Options
Son in the above case was the sole PC. No sibling had visited their mother in over 10 years, much less offered to help in any way with her care needs. We advised him, the one person with legal authority over money and healthcare, to block the siblings from calling the mother. He was also empowered by his legal appointment to keep them from visiting her. One sibling had already tried emotional blackmail on mom, threatening to harm herself if mom did not give her money right now. Mom was confused.
If the siblings got aggressive and ignored PC’s authority, he did have another option in his state: he could seek a restraining order against them. This costs money, for hiring an attorney, and finding the right attorney who has the requisite skill to see the manipulation and threats. Son has full time work and is capable of getting that done if things get worse. He feels some control, knowing that. He is distressed, being in the same house with Mom now, who still harbors paranoia-fueled doubts about him and what she was told by her other children. She may calm down now that their contact with her is cut off.
The Takeaways
When you interact with an aging loved one, and are a trusted person in their life, be alert to the sudden appearance of a long-absent relative on the scene. There is usually an explanation of their motive for showing up after totally neglecting the elder over a long period. That motive can well be simply greed.
If you are that trusted person and see this happening in your aging parent’s life, you have the opportunity to intervene. Monitor the elder’s phone calls. Know who is visiting. Notice any changes in their attitude after the newly appearing relative calls or visits very often. If any talk of changing a will or trust surfaces, look closely. Your loved one could be experiencing cognitive decline. They could be vulnerable to manipulation even if not cognitively impaired. You may need legal advice to prevent financial loss.
It may also be necessary in this circumstance to get your loved one’s cognitive ability evaluated. Such evaluations are usually done by a neurologist, psychologist, or both. If they are evaluated and found to be cognitively impaired, it will be harder for anyone to get away with pressuring them into changing estate planning documents. A report from a doctor that gives a diagnosis or conclusion of cognitive impairment can be a very helpful protection against greed-driven manipulation. Primary caregivers are not helpless to stop this kind of abuse by others.
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